Online Dating- the norm in Toronto?

Online dating is a socially accepted method of meeting people in Toronto. Every other person has tried it at least once. Or, every person you meet knows at least one person who has been through the process of online dating. In recent years, you hear a lot more stories about people who are getting married who ‘met online’. In fact, friends of ours just got engaged and guess where they met…Lavalife! And, I was just informed that Toronto has the largest Lavalife singles community in Canada! Given this anecdotal evidence of online dating's popularity, and the fact that regular folks like you and I are on it, I think it's safe to say that the stigma around online dating in this city doesn't really exist anymore.

I mean, I’m sure that the prevalence of online dating in Toronto probably says a lot about our society. People eventually become desperate to get married and settle down with someone. People are unbelievably lonely. People don’t know how to connect with one another personally. The bottom line is that people spend more time on their computers than around actual people. I remember in 2007 when facebook usage was escalating, Toronto boasted the most facebook users in North America. This city is big, we work hard, we’re tired, we commute, we don’t have time and our computers link us to the world at large, and it helps that we are a pretty web-savy city generation. Whatever people’s reasons, and whatever societal pitfalls are underlying, I don’t really care; I’m okay with it and am on it for the second time. (The first time was when I first moved to city joining a masters program that was 90% female. Now I'm working in a sector that is like 85% female..hence retaking the plunge.)

So anyways, I decided that I should share what I have learned about the ‘online’ part of online dating with you. In case you are in the small minority who is unaware of what the process entails, here is the deal: you create an account by picking a profile name and filling in your information. Then you browse other people’s profiles, and find ways to contact them (which differ between websites), you usually chat back and forth through the website, or exchange MSN addresses or even telephone numbers to carry out your interaction off the website. I’m personally not a fan of the messaging back and forth. I think that a quick scan of their profile, pictures and an exchange of a couple messages should be enough online contact for you to get a vibe from that person, and if you’re feeling that vibe then you should take it OFF THE INTERNET. The more online time you spend with someone, the more you end up hiding behind the safety of the internet. Besides, in my case, I’m totally not looking for a pen pal! So here’s the skinny on three different generic dating websites written from the perspective of a straight gal seeking boy-pals:

Plenty of Fish: http://www.plentyoffish.com/

Pros: Free, very simple interface and user-friendly. I find it a little more laid-back than other sites, whether that’s the patrons or just the culture.

Cons: There seems to be a lot more garbage on this website to sift through. Ie: the volume of messages you receive is high compared to some other sites and you get a lot more generic messages. Not sure if it is because it’s such a basic, free website or the fact that there aren’t enough options for limiting who can message you. Plus the promoted articles on the website are pretty chauvinistic; all targeted at women trying to dechipher men’s online behaviour "Why he hasn't contacted you", "How to create an interesting profile for him". A lot of users are interested in casual encounters but there is little place for making this clear.

The clientele: You get guys from all walks of life. This site seems to attract a high number of lads who are into the shirtless shots, sport spikey gelled hair, pose regularly in front of their cars in the burbs. There is a lot of humour on this website; people are pretty funny.

Ok Cupid: http://www.okcupid.com/
This site is newer than the rest and created by the smarty pants who started Spark notes. The interface is modern, cutesy and facebook-esque, with a home page similar to the newsfeed with updates from profiles world-wide. Lots of online slang used such as your list of stalkers (people who have viewed your profile), and you can request a WTF report (if you don't know that online acronymn then you aren't all that web-savy... but this report allows you to compare test responses with a potential match and see why OKcupid gave you 96% or 19%). There are also plenty of blog and journal entries by users.

Pros: Free! Very attractive interface. You can create

a really extensive profile. There are like 6 different boxes to fill out (what I’m doing on a Friday night, what I spend my time thinking about), etc. Plus you fill out personality tests, and then OkCupid rates other users based on how ideal of a match they are for you. So instead of my matches coming up based on Toronto and an age range I pick, they’ll come up based on how well or poorly our profiles match based on our responses to both important and trivial (in my opinion) questions like how one feels about gay marriage, or ‘do you daydream or space out a lot?’ The company also seems to be pretty concerned with client needs, so there are plenty of FAQs and venues for feedback. Added bonus: Over 30,000 personality quizzes that will keep you entertained for hours and can easily be shared with your friends through other social networking sites.

Cons: It asks for so much information that you can get caught up in filling out A LOT of details about yourself which is never healthy (narcissism? Inflated egos much? Taking oneself too seriously which becomes very apparent to your reader), takes up A LOT of time, and is actually kind of a tedious in the end.

The Clientele: A lot more web-savy people in their 20s and 30s who like words. People interested in academia and post high-school education other than college. This is made apparent by the fact that in your profile you have a specific section for favourite books, movies, music and food (books being the key element here). Quirkier, less mainstream boys frequent this site. AND, OkCupid also seems to be popular with people in open relationships and swingers.


Lavalife: http://www.lavalife.com/
Pros: Seems to be more multi-ethnic than other sites, which is cool. You can open a separate profile based on what you’re seeking; casual encounters, relationships, dating and be transparent about it which is also important.

Cons: You have to pay for it! And if you don’t pay the most you can do is send people “smiles” and wait for them to email you if they’re interested. So the pattern seems to be: men pay for it, women just create a profile and respond to messages with "smiles" of their own. The site also uses too many generic drop-down menus which limits the uniqueness of people’s profiles. Plus, the company limits/censors what information you can keep in your profile which I was not impressed by. And unlike the other sites you can’t even see who viewed your profile or ‘stalked’ you- it’s a feature that only paid users can acess!!

The Clientele: Not really sure. Used to think it was more for corporate types who can afford it. Definately a lot of professionals. I also think there are a good number of older men using this website, and guys in IT? Generally a diverse crowd though considering it is a big one.

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Well, now you have the low-down on three reputable and generic dating websites. Granted there are plenty of ethno and religion-specific websites if that's what you're into. If your mom wants you to marry that good Jewish boy, there's http://www.jdate.com/, or if you're from the subcontinent and looking for that fair and lovely first class partner (Muslim or Hindu!) http://www.shaadi.com/ is widely used and might have the match for you. I’ll have to add that I do feel for the guys (kind of) online because they end up doing most of the messaging and, from what I have heard, get few responses. While I haven’t commented on the actual dating itself, I will say that evening dates with fun drinks involved are a much better idea than coffees in the daytime. And while I am big on getting a vibe from a person from a few emails back and forth that hasn’t always worked out in my favour, so each to their own. If you're not yet convinced about the potential dates, I'll add that in the very least, these sites provide serious entertainment value. Browsing people’s profiles with your girlfriends and making comments (good, bad, judgmental, either way) is a really, really fun pastime. And you can share notes... So if you know anyone who is on the fence in joining the online community of singles and just needs a push, or needs tips, contact me- I've converted friends and I've got plenty of tips!

S.